He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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