this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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