im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize