God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
that may or may not have been my penis.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
