I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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