I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize