even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
