I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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