so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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