I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
