I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
