My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
