Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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