I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
