they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
