she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
