Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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