dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
