Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
