I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
