If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
