Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
