When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
wow bdsm is so cute
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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