in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
sex in a hospital.. check
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Floor bacon is actually really good
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
