babies were throwing up all over the place
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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