break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
be right there i have to get my cape
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
