The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
