the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
