Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
