I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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