I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
