Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
PANTIES FOUND
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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