"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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