if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My bed smells like the plague
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
