Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
