Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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