some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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