We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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