life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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