I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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