just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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