i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
