true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
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