I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
