The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
