apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
