Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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