Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
