if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
