I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
