Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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