I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
