I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
