I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
