I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
