I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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