I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
