I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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