It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
