She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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