He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
