Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
