I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize