I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
